Christmas Stan

In a bid to have some Christmas cheer, after a number of glasses of wine I rewrote the lyrics to the Eminem song Stan so the letters are addressed to Santa. Here is the outcome. Merry Christmas.


Mulled Wines gone cold I’m wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning snow clouds up my window..
and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be white,
but your decorations on my tree
reminds me, that it’s not so bad,
it’s not so bad..

Dear Santa,
I wrote you, but you still ain’t calling
i left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent you two letters back in 2002, but you must not of got them
There probably was a problem at the post office or something
i mean i was only 7 so sometimes i was too sloppy with addresses when i jot them
but fuck it, what’s been up man, hows the reindeer?
I’m about to be bought a dog, I’m about to be a pet owner too,
If I have a girl, guess what I’m gonna call her?
I’ma name her Rudolf
I read about your friend Easter Bunny too, I’m sorry
I had a friend who killed himself over some kid who didn’t believe in him
I know you probably hear this everyday, But i’m your biggest fan
I’ve even got the Swedish stuff you did with Svelter Pete
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did with Jesus too, that shit was fat
Anyway, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan,
This is Stan

Dear Santa,
You ain’t called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain’t mad, I just think it’s fucked up you don’t answer fans
If you didn’t wanna talk to me outside your grotto
you didn’t have to, but you coulda given a ho ho ho for Mathew,
That’s my little brother man, he’s only 6 years old
we waited in the blistering cold for you
for hours and you just said ‘no’
That’s pretty Grinchy man – You’re his Christmas Idol
He wants to be just like you, he likes you even more than I do
I ain’t that mad, I just don’t like being lied to
Remember when we met in Lapland – you said if I’d write you
you would right back – see I’m just like you in a way
I watch people when they’re sleeping, and know if they’re awake too
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend’s jealous cos I talk about you 24/7
But She don’t know you like I know you Santa, no one does
She don’t know what it was like for people like us growing up
Coke changing our coloured clothes and using our image
You gotta call me, I’ll be the biggest fan you’ll ever lose
Sincerely Yours, Stan
P.S. We Should be together too

Dear Mister-I’m-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans
This’ll be the last package I ever send your ass
It’s been six months and still no word, I don’t deserve it
I refuse to believe you’ve started on next years presents already
That excuse ain’t perfect
So this is my cassette I’m sending you, I hope you hear it
I’m in a car right now, I’m doing 90 on the freeway,
all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call,
I hope you know I ripped all the decorations off my tree and the wall
I love you Santa, we could’ve been together, Think about it,
I could’ve been your elf but you ruined it and i hope you can’t sleep, and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can’t sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can’t breath without me
Anyway, I’m almost at the bridge now, I hope three ghosts show up and show me the error of my ways, it is that time of year.
Oh, shit, I forgot, How’m supposed to send this shit out?